I have had a great life and a great run at it all.  My life seems like it has been so long yet at the same time incredible short.  Some physicist say there is no time and I now believe that.  I believe it is as it was written and life is like a bunch of slides that have all been played out.

Growing old is a pathetic thing, it is full of limitations and reductions.  Now I am old and I am laying in my bed in my plastic disposable depends a puddle of my own urine waiting for the nurse to come in. I have cataracts and am very frail with bad arthritis.

The nurse will shoot me full of pain medication with steroids to reduce the swelling of my joints and to make me feel better.  Dear God, I love the Oxyconde, she is my silent lover.  However, physical loving went away a long time ago.

Yes I do try to get up during the day and go for a walk behind the walker, but it is humiliating and degrading.

My wife would probably keep me alive for as long as possible even with my body deteriorating and disintegrating and while I am capable of getting even older still, that is not the way I want to go out.

I do not look forward to the next stage: the cables, feeding tubes and IV just to be kept alive.  Quite honestly, they all need not have me around to worry about me anymore.

They all need to be free from the burdens of my needs and I need to let them ascend.  And I need to be free from the pain my body brings me now and to sail again on the open ocean where there are no bounds.  I look forward to setting a course and to go with the wind at my back and the ship healed over.

Everyone speaks of the will to live but few speak of the will to die.  Death is dark and unknown and is frightening.  But for me it is not the end for I will be reborn as an angel.

They will miss me in some ways but at the same time they will be free to move forward and I will be born again as an angel that looks down on this life and will come and visit and bring them sweet dreams.

Like the last strong autumn wind that rattles the trees signaling the coming winter, now it is my time to leave and to make room for the new life that will begin again for me and for them.

Slowly, I consume the 100 milligrams of Secobarbital just to party one last time and them later on, I down another 500 milligrams with 50 milligrams of Oxycodone and then 400 milligrams of Tenormin a beta-blocker.  I am a little nervous but as my medication takes effect I feel my world is all around me.  I see myself running through fields of flowers on the sides of the Mountains I have climbed.  Wow, the sky is so perfectly blue and the sun so round.  It is guiding me across beautiful fields and I feel the wind upon my face and on the wind it is taking me to the ship that is waiting to set sail across the sea of tranquility.

Wow it feels so good to be free and yes they will miss me but it will all be ok.  It feels good to feel the air and to smell the sweetness of the flowers again and to be set free. I know they love me but I do not look back and into the vastness if the universe ahead I run.  I will see them again as golden clouds drifting on the wind.